More Then Meets The Eye
by BrightSide of Nowhere
Summary: Spike’s a big rock star in a recently famous band. His fiancé Buffy is left behind. But when Spike comes back from touring to record the next album, things get really bad between them. But is it hate or love that causes these two to make them selves miser
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This is my newest story. Why? Cause I can. I promise that I will try hard to keep up Reckless Surrender, A New Beginning, and Fool for Love; all the while doing this one. Problem is that school starts next week and I am going to be a little slower, seeing as how I will not be staying up till 2 in the morning. Luckily I have a computer in my room now and will write in class. Anyways I am not going to do any author notes at the bottom of this story, like a few of you have asked. I will however write my appreciation to the people who have reviewed. RoseSiege this is kind of for you. I know you like the stories… your reviews always make my day. So here's the new story. Also I am looking for a beta… anybody want to help?

Summary: Spike's a big rock star in a recently famous band. His fiancé Buffy is left behind. But when Spike comes back from touring to record the next album, things get really bad between them. But is it hate or love that causes these two to make them selves miserable? And can the two ever put their differences aside?

Spike Masters sat in the back of the tour bus, strumming simple cords on his guitar, stopping ever so often to write down some lyrics. Most of his stuff, if he ever let you read the rough drafts, was about her. All he thought about was her. And being that he was about to go home in a week, about to see her for the first time in a year, he had some pretty emotional lyrics to write. He thought often about writing her a song, many times he thought about calling her or dedicating songs to her. But she wouldn't want him to. As far as he knew, she didn't want to see him at all.

Buffy Summers was dreading the Friday that was coming. She just knew that he would want to see her and she didn't know if she could see him. Buffy still remembered what he looked like on top of that other woman. He still remembered how it felt to watch her entire life slip away from her. And she wasn't ready to see him after that.

_Flashback-_

_Buffy Summers walked into the hotel lobby and right up to the desk. "Spike Master's room number please." _

_The receptionist looked in the computer. "800."_

"_Thank you." Buffy said as the receptionist handed her a key. She walked over to the elevator, the heels of her black boots clicking on the floor. Buffy checked herself in the mirror. She was wearing a tiny, leather mini skirt and a red halter top. Her black boots were thigh high and her hair was down in curls. She had recently gotten her bleached blonde hair with black highlights in it. She had dressed as the perfect rock star girlfriend just for him. The bell on the elevator dinged and she walked out. It was cooler here then it was in the elevator and Buffy shook a little in the cold. Or maybe she was just nervous. Spike had been gone for only four months, but she missed him so much. He had proposed to her before he left, promising that they would have an amazing wedding. But she couldn't wait a year and a half to see him. She had to see him now. She walked until she found the room, entered the key and walked in. The lighting was low and there was light music playing. Buffy walked ahead, past the wall. She stopped dead in her tracks and dropped the room key. In the bed was Spike on top of a brunette, fucking her intently. Buffy must have let out a scream or a gasp of shock because Spike's head turned suddenly. Buffy couldn't stand to look in his eyes, so she turned and ran. It was amazing that she could even run at all, her legs feeling like they weighed a ton. She kept running, faster and faster, hearing Spike yelling after her. "Buffy. Buffy wait." He kept running and so did she, until he finally caught up with her. "Buffy." He said breathlessly. _

_She turned to him with tears in her eyes. "What?"_

"_Let me explain." He said, finally catching his breath. _

"_Explain what?" Buffy said coldly, hate overcoming her sadness. "Explain how you left me behind with a promise to marry me then ran off and fucked the nearest girl you could get."_

"_Buffy…"_

_She stopped him. "How many have there been Spike? Ten, twenty, thirty? Or has it been just that one girl, over and over again?" Buffy shuddered at the thought of that woman being with him more then once. It was worse then many women. _

"_She was just a groupie. I haven't been with anyone else. She was just there and I was missing you so much. I just wasn't thinking."_

"_It shows." She said. She took her hand in her others and pulled the ring off her finger. She threw it at him. "Hope your happy Spike." She said._

Spike was almost unable to think of anything else but that night. He had played a great show, his band's song had just reached number one, and they had a major girl following. So Spike was just a man and a hot brunette wanting nothing more then sex was something that he really couldn't pass up. He hadn't been with a woman since he had started the tour and he may not have been thinking with the right head. He never thought that Buffy would show up. And when he tried to explain, she wouldn't let him. She even threw the ten-thousand dollar engagement ring at him. He stopped playing the guitar to reach up to his neck. He pulled the chain out of his shirt and brought the ring up to eye level. It never left his neck and he made sure it was always there. He hoped that somehow there would be a chance that they could get back together. All great musicians took their pain and placed it in their music. Spike's music was filled with his pain. While he wrote power ballads that made tears com to your eyes, he also wrote songs about his drug habits, the good times he had with Buffy and life on the road. Spike's music was a reflection of who he was and he couldn't wait till she heard it. All the things he couldn't say where written on the paper and expressed in his guitar rifts and songs. She would see how wrong she was. She would see that he loved her. "I feel it in my soul, it hurts more then you'll even know the thoughts and lies, all hidden behind our closed eyes. Making you love me was easy, but how can you forgive, the things I did. Will you ever love me like you did, before I fucked up? Will you ever even know how much I wished I could go back? It's not that easy to walk away, and more then ever I wish I could say, what's on my heart and how I feel, but nothing here is right and nothing here is real." Spike sang the last part out load, along with his guitar.

His band mate, Tommy, was sitting the closest to him and was able to hear all that Spike was singing. "It's deep man." Tommy said. "Dude you think she'll take you back?"

"I hope so." Spike said. "Its bloody awful havin' to wait so long to see her. But she wouldn't answer my calls."

"Do you blame her? Dude you were engaged."

"I know it. I know I fucked up."

"We all do man. You just have to learn that some things aren't meant to be."

"But she was the one for me. I don't mean to sound like a ponce, or for worse to sound like Peaches up there, but I love her."

"Hey!" Angel said. The tall, dark and handsome bassist walked over to them. "I heard you." He said with a scowl.

"Oh get over it Peaches." Spike said. "No one really cares." Spike was just messing with the bassist. He loved Angel like a brother, and fought with him like one too.

"We're here!" The driver said. Spike, Tommy, and Angel all looked out the window. They were driving into Sunnydale, a town that was filled with people they had left behind and hidden secrets that they didn't want to face.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: To my reviewers:

Spuffy2008- Thanks for understanding.

sPIKEaNDmE- Thanks. I'm glad that you like it.

Funkydevil206- I'm glad you like it. Thanks for your offer to be my beta. I will get back to you about it.

Chapter 2-

Buffy was upset to say the least. Cordelia, Anya, and Faith were all leaving to meet their boyfriends as they returned. They were all standing at the door of Buffy house, looking at her with expecting eyes. "Have fun." Buffy said with a smile. She went to close the door, but Faith was still standing in the way.

Faith looked at her blonde friend; saw the pure look of sadness. "Come with us." Faith said.

Buffy had not told anyone but Willow what had really happened. She feared that if she told Faith, Cordy, or Anya they would fear that their own boyfriends were cheating. Buffy didn't want to ruin their relationships too. So she just told them that Spike and her had differences and couldn't make it work. Faith had never believed that. "I can't. You guys go ahead without me." She said. Faith didn't want to leave Buffy behind, but she had no choice.

Once the other girls had left, Buffy walked into the living room and sat down with Willow and her girlfriend, Tara. Willow looked at the sad expression on her best friend's face. "You should see him."

"I can't."

"Is it because of Haden?"

Buffy smiled a little. It was so hard to get over what Spike had done to her. But the time that passed while he was gone was more then enough to find someone else. Haden was a guy that she met at The Bronze. He was sweet, handsome, and cute. She was reluctant to get into a relationship, but he had been very patient and kind. She was really starting to trust him and going to see Spike was going to stir things up. "It's not just about Haden." Buffy said. "He knows what happened and he said that if I needed to see him that I should. But I can't see Spike. I just couldn't…"

Willow watched the blonde choke back her tears. "Buffy." Willow said, bringing her best friend in for a hug. "It's going to be okay."

"I can't be." The normally silent girlfriend of Willow's had spoken. "You still love him don't you?'

Buffy nodded. "I never stopped. But the pain… I don't think I will ever forgive him."

Spike and his band walked out of the bus and onto the streets of Sunnydale. Each guy stood there, taking in the sites and sounds of the town they had left behind. Being back here had a different effect on each guy. To Spike this town held everything he wanted to leave behind, with the exception of Buffy. And the only thing that he really wanted in this town didn't want to see him. To Angel it was a chance to see Cordelia and tell her how much he loved her. To Tommy it was a chance to have fun with Faith and the boys. To Xander it was just home, and there would never be another place like it. Coming towards the guys where a group of girls. But they weren't just any girls; they were the only girls that they wanted to see here. All of them had groupies but only Spike had gotten caught. Faith walked over to Tommy, Anya walked over to Xander and Cordelia walked over to Angel. It was then that Spike realized that Buffy hadn't come with them and that she wouldn't come to him. Tommy had his arm wrapped around Faith as they walked over to him. "She wouldn't come with us." Faith said.

"She shouldn't be expected too." Tommy said.

Faith shot him a look. "I get being mad at him, but maybe they can work things out." Faith said.

"I don't think she can ever forgive me." Spike said. The others had joined them.

"Why would she need to forgive you?" Cordelia asked.

"She didn't tell you?" Angel asked.

"Yeah she told us that they had differences and that they broke up."

"Yeah, that difference was over a groupie." Tommy said. Faith, Anya, and Cordelia's eyes got big.

"You cheated on her!" Anya said shocked. Spike didn't answer her, he didn't need to.

When she thought about it, it probably wasn't the best day to have Haden over. All that she was feeling was Spike. She had been dating Spike for so long, she had been so connected to him, that she could feel that he was here and that he was in pain. 'Good. He should be in pain for what he did to me.' Haden was sitting with her on the couch, watching some TV show. Suddenly a commercial came on. "It's the single best concert I've ever been to. This band kicks ass." Music suddenly filled the room and Buffy knew that it was Spike's voice. She grabbed the remote off the table and turned it before she had to see him.

"Are you okay?" Haden asked her.

Buffy turned to look at him. She smiled. "I'm fine. Let's go see a movie." He nodded. Both got up and walked to the door. Haden took her coat and helped her put it on. Then he opened the door for her. Standing in the doorway outside was Spike.

Spike was so nervous to show up at Buffy's house. It was obvious that she didn't want to see him; otherwise she would have come with the others. But Spike had to see her. He went to knock, but the door swung open. Buffy and some other guy walking out. "Buffy." Spike said, obviously hurt. Although Buffy had broken up with him, he had expected that she be single.

"Spike." She said. The guy with Buffy obviously had been told about Spike, for his eyes got wide when Buffy said his name. "What do you want Spike?"

"I just wanted to talk."

"I don't want to talk to you." Buffy said, walking past him. The guy with her followed.

"But Buffy… please love." Spike said. But Buffy had walked away.

Two Weeks Later-

"Did you tell her that I need to see her?" Spike said to the redhead that he was sitting with.

Willow looked at the rock star in front of him. She remembered long ago… when Spike first got here, and how much he had changed since Buffy and him started dating. "I did tell her Spike. Every day I asked her to see you."

"Why wouldn't she? It's because of that damn wanker she's datin' isn't it?"

"No Spike. Haden told her to see you if she wanted."

"Haden. What a stupid name."

"Spike." Willow said, much as how a mother would to a child. "Haden really loves Buffy and understands that she needs to see you."

"Then why won't she?" Spike asked, not caring about his reputation as a bad boy. The people closest to him knew he had one weakness, Buffy.

"If she saw you, everything that you did would come rushing back to her. Spike I was there when she returned and until you should up I was the only person that ever knew about what happened. I would hold her as she cried and listen to her whimper in her sleep as she relived it. She wouldn't eat or talk, she'd just sit there as if her whole life had come crashing down upon her. She was a mess. But she got over it, somehow she got over it. And she's finally getting to be happy. Now I have done all that I can do. I can't do anymore. And I don't think there is anything else that you can do. The more you try and she her, the more confused she becomes." Willow said. Spike just sat there, knowing that Willow was right. There was nothing more that either one of them could do.

Buffy was sitting on her front porch reading a magazine that had come in the mail. Tommy walked up on the porch and crashed next to her. "Sup?" He said to her.

Buffy looked up and smiled. "Thought'd you be off somewhere with Faith."

"I was supposed to be, 'cept Faith got all wiggy on me and left in a hurry."

"Why'd she get all 'wiggy' on you?" Buffy said, mocking the horrible English that Tommy had.

"We all the made the mistake of telling the girls the truth behind you and Spike. I think Cordy and Anya were okay, but I have this thing. You ask me something and I'm going to tell it like it is. She asked me if I had any groupies and I told her the truth."

"Ouch." Buffy said.

"She'll get over it. It's Faith, I'm sure she was with tons of chicks while I was gone."

"No one in Sunnydale was safe." Buffy said.

Tommy laughed and took secret satisfaction that Buffy was laughing too. "Well I can't say that I mind, as long as I'm involved sometimes."

"I'm sure." Buffy said. "So what are you doing here?"

"Missed ya I guess. I heard enough about you that is."

"Spike talk about me a lot?" Buffy asked, kind of not caring.

"And sang about you and wrote about you. That boy was straight up pathetic."

Buffy laughed. "You can always make the most horrible situations good. Let's go in, it's hot." Tommy smiled and walked in with Buffy.

It was almost rare that Buffy ever did anything that she regretted. But the minute that she kissed Tommy, the minute that she let him go upstairs to her room, was when she knew that she would regret what she was doing. But she fell back on her bed with Tommy on top of her, and kissed him with a passion. Luckily he had locked the door when he came in. He kissed her hungrily, wanting nothing more than to stay like this forever. Tommy had always liked Buffy and he was in heaven now. She moaned under him, giving him an invitation to take the hem of her shirt and break away to pull it off. Buffy knew that she should stop, he was still seeing Faith and she was seeing Haden. But Tommy's kisses where so comforting and his body against hers was so nice, that she knew she couldn't resist him.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Hey you guys. I am so glad that I got reviews for this. Okay so this is the next chapter and I am really proud of it. I think I write better on my dad's computer because it like fixes things for me and stuff. Anyway I hope that you enjoy. There's a bit of Spike's past in here and it might be a little bit upsetting. It doesn't go into details or anything so you should be all right. Love ya'll.

Chapter 3-

Buffy was upset to say the least, when she woke up in the arms of Tommy. Thoughts of their night together, well day together, flashed in her mind and she knew instantly the affect that this would have on everyone. How could she be trusted now that she had slept with one of her friend's boyfriend? After all that she had been through, after all that Spike had put her through, she had just done the same thing to Haden. And what was worse, what made it all the more upsetting, was that she didn't feel bad about it. Sure she could think about all the things that she should feel bad about, sure she could pretend that to her it mattered. But it didn't, not really. Maybe somewhere deep inside she felt bad, but on the surface she really didn't. She had always had a crush on Tommy, knew very well that he had always had something for her. It felt good to be with him, as if he was the same as Spike. But that, she knew, was all the only reason that he was there with her. It was the only reason that she had let him go as far as they did. He was Spike, just altered here and there. That was what it was. He was rocker; he had the bad boy attitude and the bad boy life style. But Tommy was different in that he told the truth. He never lied and he never hid. Buffy could only wonder what they would tell everyone else, she could only wonder where this would lead.

Spike's thoughts weren't exactly processed before he walked to her house. Sure there was nothing that he could say that would convince her that he loved her. No he had to do something. He had to show her that he could be a better man, even if it meant giving up the career and the life that he always wanted. Because without Buffy, it didn't matter.

Flashback-

_It was raining when he came into town. That made the whole thought of moving horrid. But the town, it was small and dank, unlike the haven that he had come from. Spike Masters was a rock star with a horrible life. Or at least, that's what he wanted to be. A rock star, jamming on stage to his own songs, having millions of people adore you, and never even caring was the almost perfect life for him. If his dream hadn't of come from where it did. _

_Spike had always been into rock, from the minute he could tell the difference. Motley Crue, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Ozzy, Def Leppard, and, Guns and Roses where his idols. But his love of music and the lifestyle had another purpose, a darker one._

_Spike's life was not something to write about, or if it was it would make you cringe. William Master was his born name. Spike's mother was a heroin addict, who pawned everything they ever got to pay for her habit. Spike never even knew his father, and he was pretty sure that his father didn't know about him or that he didn't care. When Spike was eight, his mother's dealer showed up at their house and took everything that belonged to them. Two months later, after living in a baron apartment, the dealer returned. He shot and killed Spike's mother, while Spike hid in a closet. _

_At eight Spike found himself alone and no where to go. He slept in the apartment until the landlord found him and kicked him out. On the streets Spike learned to be tough and to be heartless. He never did drugs, he never drank, and he never cared. He lived on the streets, going from one place to another, until he was twelve. When he was twelve he got a job at a local record store. After working for sometime, the owner offered him the apartment above the store on the conditions that Spike never spoke a word about the stuff that he saw going on after hours. After mouths of seeing and hearing women being raped, beaten, and killed, Spike couldn't take it anymore. He kindly thanked the owner of the store and walked away, more heartless then he had ever been. He move on and got a job at a local grocery store, stocking selves and unpacking. Again an owner took pity on him and offered to help him get an apartment. _

_The apartment that Spike got was not in a great neighborhood and it wasn't exactly the healthiest place to live. But it was close to work and it was better than the streets. Every night he went home and tried to sleep over the gun shots on the street, the neighbor who beat his wife, and the sirens that came to late._

_Spike lived in that apartment until he was sixteen and the grocery store closed down. By that time he could drive, he had saved up a good amount of money, and had enough street credit to know that he needed someone. Spike drove around until he found the nearest hospital to his old apartment with his mother. He walked in and straight up to the front desk. A nice clerk with blonde hair was sitting there, filling out some papers. She looked up at Spike and her eyes suddenly filled with tears, the way most people did when they looked at him. Spike spoke up. "I need to know who my father is." He said. _

_The nurse looked at him with a little shock. But then it passed. "Were you born here?" She asked._

_"I don't know." Spike said, admitting that he was alone. _

_Yet the nurse had to ask. "Where is your mother?"_

_"She died when I was eight. I've been on my own since then." Spike said. _

_The nurses eyes filled with tears again and she had to excuse herself to regain composer. When she returned she smiled. "What's your name?"_

_"William Masters." Spike said, hoping that the nurse could help him. _

_She typed his name into her computer and then patiently waited while it loaded. A screen popped up and Spike braced himself for what she had to say. "William Masters was born to Hilary Masters. Father… oh dear." The nurse said. She turned to look at Spike. "Father is unknown. I'm so sorry. It there anything I can do for you?"_

_"Tell me how to get a father." Spike said, taking the help of someone for the first time in forever._

_After spending two years in an adoption agency, Spike left abruptly. At eighteen Spike was fueled by hatred, fury, and vengeance. He returned to his old neighborhood to track down the dealer that killed his mother and the record store owner who killed and raped all those women. He knew better than to kill them his self, so he helped the police. Once everything from his past had been squared away, Spike left L.A. There was nothing for him there. _

_He wasn't 100 sure why he chose Sunnydale, California. Maybe he thought that he could have a better life in a small town. Sunnydale was such a difference from L.A. that Spike almost turned back. Almost that was, until he saw her. She was a beautiful blonde, sitting on a street corner crying. She was short, had long blonde hair, and an amazing body. Spike parked the car on the other side of the street and just watched her. Women in L.A., or at least where he was from, where the kind of women that you could get a disease from by just thinking about them. Spike had never had any interest in any woman. But this one, she was so beautiful that he almost got out to talk to her. Until, that is, the man should up. He was large but Spike could tell he was dumb. He must have been the reason for the girl to be crying, because they began to fight on the street. Spike couldn't watch anymore before looking strange, so he put his car in gear and drove to his new home._

_Spike had gone to see the nurse that helped him out so long ago, before he left for good. He took her to dinner and told her of his plans to find a house in a small town. She was so proud that he had 'risen' above his horrible life that she gave him two thousand dollars to help him. That was what he had used to put a down payment on the house. It was a normal house in a normal neighbor hood. It had only two bedrooms, more than enough space. Spike had managed to gather quite an amount of junk at the adoption agency, all of which he left behind. He only cared tow things with him, a picture of his mother in a frame and his birth certificate so that he always could remember that he was real. _

_When he walked into the house, it was quite different then he had imagined. First he had though that it would be empty, instead it was furnished with couches, chairs, pillows, pictures. It looked like the home shopping network had done one of those remaking shows in his house. Spike was stunned to say the least and was quite happy, for the first time in so long. He walked over to the table where there was a plain white envelope. He opened it. **"HEY! This is my little house warming gift to you. My name is Buffy Summers and I live next door. A friend of my mothers, some nurse from L.A. told her that you were moving here and that you didn't exactly have everything you needed. So I decided to work a few extra shifts and help pay to make this place wonderful. I did all the rooms and stuff… well okay I hired a decorator to do. I tried to make it like a guy's place but I think some of my girly influences came out in the end. Anyway I hope that you enjoy your house." **Spike smiled to himself and put the note down to tour his room._

_He had to have a job. He walked downstairs in his normal leather duster and pants, his black wife beater living little to the imagination. Spike had a great body, he knew he did. Life on the streets had made him strong. But underneath the bad boy exterior was a lost little child, all alone. Spike was sick of being alone. He walked into the kitchen, realized that he hadn't bough food, and almost gave up. But the note that Buffy had left was still on the table. He walked over to the fridge and opened it. It was filled with food. 'I wonder who that girl is.' Spike said to himself. Just as he thought about her, the doorbell rang. He walked over to the front door and opened it. Standing on his porch, in his door way, was the blonde girl that he had seen on the street. She smiled at him and extended her hand. "Hi I'm Buffy!" She said in a cheery voice. She had to have been about seventeen and was a little cheerful for Spike's taste. But she was pretty and, by the house, she could tell that he was nice. _

_"Hi." He said, moving over so she could come in. She walked into the house. "It turned out good."_

_"Yea thanks. Ya didn't have to this for me."_

_"No. But it was a great project and I had fun." She said while falling down on the couch. "Were you going somewhere?" She asked._

_"To get a job." He said, sitting on a chair._

_"That's good. Don't you go to school though?"_

_"I'm eighteen." He didn't want to tell her that he had never been to school. _

_"Oh." She said. "I'm seventeen, I don't gradate until May."_

_"That's only in a month love." He said. _

_"I know. I can't wait." Buffy said with a smile. "Hey you never told me your name."_

_"Spike." He said._

_"What kind of name is Spike?"_

_"What kind of name is Buffy?" Spike said in return. _

_Buffy smiled and then shrugged. "Ask my parents." Buffy said. Spike smiled. She was cute and funny. He was instantly attracted to her. "Well I have to go. Last month of school and all." She said, bouncing off the couch and over to the door. She opened it and smiled. "Bye."_

_"You want a ride?" Spike asked her._

_"That's would be great." Buffy said._

_End Flashback_

"Buffy?" Spike yelled into the empty house. Willow had told him that she, Dawn, and Tara had all gone to some show and they wouldn't be back until the next day. After leaving Willow, Spike went home and then realized that he should go over late at night to see her. That way then Haden wouldn't be there and she would really have to talk to him. "Buffy?" Spike said walking up the stairs.

When Buffy heard him yell her name, she jumped up from the bed. Buffy walked over and got her robe, put it on and walked out, closing the door behind her. Half way up the steps was Spike. "Buffy." He said slowly, as if trying to remember what he had come there to say.

"What?" She said in a harsh tone, walking down the steps and having him follow her. She walked into the kitchen to make hot chocolate.

"I wanted to talk to you. I had to see you."

"You've already said this before. Doesn't change anything." She said her voice dripping with anger as a serpent's tongue would with venom.

"But Buffy she meant nothing to me. I love you."

"What's love?" Buffy said turning to face him. 'I thought I knew once. I thought that love was all about wanting to be there for that person, to be the one good thing they had ever truly had. I thought that love could survive anything that you threw at it. I thought that I loved you."

"Buffy…" Spike said in a low voice.

"But I was wrong." She said, cutting him off. "You didn't even go two months before you were with her. We were engaged, not dating or even just realizing that we were in love. I was with you for so long Spike and this was my reward. To see you in bed with another woman only two months after you left me."

"Buffy?" Tommy's sleepy voice said. Buffy stood there as Tommy walked into the room in his boxers. Tommy looked up, saw Spike there, and stopped dead in his tracks.

"Tommy?" Spike said.

Buffy could hear the anger that was rising up in Spike's voice. She could see him tense up, could feel him getting angry. If nothing else, she had come to understand what made Spike angry and how to avoid it. "Spike look at me.

Spike turned his head to look at her, but the anger wouldn't go away. "How dare you?" He yelled. "How dare you preach that you don't know what love is and that what I did was wrong? He was my best friend."

Buffy shook with fright at the sound of Spike's voice. She knew where he was from, what he had been through, and what kind of person that had made him. "Spike it was… it's different."

"How? I don't love you any less then you did when I had that groupie. And she meant nothing to me. You can't say that he means nothing to you."

Buffy was quiet for a few minutes. Then she spoke up. "You are right." Buffy said to him. "Tommy means more to me than any groupie ever would. Hell he means more to me then Haden does. And you are right; it's the same thing that you did to me if not worse. The difference is that we were together when you cheated. I'm only cheating on Haden, not you!" The tone in her voice was indication enough that she had been through pain. And Spike knew that he had brought that to her. When he had first met her, she was a happy girl. Then they started dating and the life of walls and lies that he had worked so hard to build, crashed. And they left standing in the debris. But they rebuilt something that could share together. Where her wall crumbled a year ago, his still stood. Even though Tommy had slept with her. Spike said nothing else; he just walked out of the house.

He was mad, he was upset, and he was hurt. But he would always love her and he would always be ready to take her back. And Tommy would always be his best friend and band mate. Not just cause he was the only decent drummer in California. Spike had spent most of his childhood by himself. He had built walls up so that he would never have to see some get hurt like his mother did. But once he had let those walls down, he knew that there was no way to close them. He would forgive them both. He just wished he could say that same about Buffy.

Later that night, after walking aimlessly around, Spike returned to his house. Still located next to Buffy's he dared to peek through her house. She was sitting there with Tommy, the two trying to decided what to do. Spike didn't want to see anymore, so he walked back over to his house. He opened the front door and walked in. No sooner had he placed his keys down did the doorbell ring. He ran over and opened the door. "Buffy." He said hopefully. His smile faded when he saw a man standing there. "Can I help ya?" He asked.

"Yes. I'd like to know if you are William Master, son of Hilary Masters."

"Yea." Spike said. "Who wants to know?"

"I do. My name is Rupert Giles, and I believe that I am your father."


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4-

"You believe that you are my father." Spike repeated to the English man sitting on his couch. "You do ya mean by believe?"

"Well I met your mother when I was a lad, living in England. She came from a good family and all signs pointed to us marrying. But I got called to Los Angeles to do some business. Your mother decided to come with me. You see, my dear boy, that in London it is inappropriate to have sex before you are married. But Los Angeles things were far more different. Your mother left me before I returned, forcing me to return home alone. She never told me about you." Spike sat there in silence. "I want to know all about you. How your life was and so forth. I heard you are in a rock and roll band."

Suddenly, blinding by the anger of Buffy and his mother, Spike snapped. "You want to know about my life. Well it was a bloody nightmare. I watched my mum get shot when I was eight and I have live on my own since. I had a job at record label and live in the apartment above, but all the women that would come in and get raped and killed was too much. I was put in a bloody adoption agency until I was eighteen when I moved to this bloody town. I was engaged to the only woman who ever cared about me, then hit big and got caught with a groupie. Now she's boning my best friend and I can't do piss about it because all I can do is sit and watch the shit hole that is my life." Spike yelled and ran out the door. Childhood frustration, anger, and torment all lead him back to Buffy's door.

When she answered the door, it was Spike. Thinking that she would never see him again, she just stood there shocked. He was fuming mad and a little more than hurt, and something about him was scaring her. She walked to the side and let him walk into the house, luck would have it that Tommy had left. Spike paced around her living room, muttering to himself. Buffy had only seen Spike act like that once before and that was when he found out that the drug dealer that had killed his mother was released from prison. "Spike?" Buffy said in a low but calming voice. The cool and heartless persona that she had before, the same on that she had learned from Spike, was gone when he showed up at the door. The sound of her voice brought him back to the real world, back to the world where he had nothing but a shell. Spike sat down on the couch and took three deep breaths. Buffy sat next to him. He seemed unable to talk, so Buffy said something else. "What happened?" She asked, hoping that her concern would fuel him to talk.

He went to speak, paused, and then began again. "My father." Spike said.

Buffy's eyes got wide and her heart skipped a beat. All Spike's life, all he has known was himself. It took a long time to break those walls down. "You found your father?"

"No, rather he found me." Spike said. There was still very little emotion in his voice.

"Is that a bad thing?"

"I dunno Buffy. Ya tell me. Every time I love someone, they leave me. I dunno if I'm ready to face that again."

"But Spike this may be your true shot a something real." Buffy said.

"You were my real shot at somethin' real." Spike said.

"Sp…"

"No. No arguin'. I'm not tellin' ya so that you can argue it. I love ya and there not doubtin' that. And ya were my one true shot at somethin' that was remotely real."

"Tommy and I are seeing each other now." Buffy said, rather bluntly. She knew that he'd want to know.

"I figured as much." Spike said. "That boy's had it for ya since he first saw ya." Spike smiled. "Somethin' else we have in common."

"Spike there's something that I need to tell you."

"Well then love, tell me."

"I will always love you."

"Really now?" Spike said turning. "And what makes ya tell me this?"

"I thought you should know. It isn't that I stopped loving you when I saw you with her, it was that I stopped trusting you."

"Right then love." Spike said. "Best be goin'. Got my dear ol' pops waitin' for me to explain the freak-out session."

"Bye Spike."

"Bye love." He said walking out. When he was out he said what he wanted to say. "I love you too and I always bloody will."

When Spike returned home, his father was still sitting there. "William." He said.

"Spike."

"Spike?"

"That's my name." Spike said. "I got it on the streets." Spike said.

Giles looked down at his feet. "I'm terribly sorry that your life has been this way."

"No big deal." Spike said. "I dealt with it and I'm still here."

"That shows that you are strong. Must take after your mother."

"Funny ol' world ain't it. She always used to tell me that I take after you."

After an uncomfortable silence, Giles said something. "I want to know more. About your life and your mother."

"Sure ya got the time?" Spike said.

'_In my mind, I see your face, In my heart and in this place, without you by my side, all I'll ever do is hide. In this place I call my own, but no place is ever my home. My life's been rough but I deal, my heart's been broken but it will heal. But without I can't breath or barely even think, without you I couldn't live.'_

Buffy turned the radio down and stared a little longer at the book in her hands. The band's new cd had just come out and Buffy knew that most of the songs had a whole lot to do with her. She was kind of touched, but it wasn't enough to make her forget. It didn't make the pain go away. It really never would. Nothing he could say would ever change the trust that he had taken away from her. She sat in her room, looking out her window and through his. _Is that why he never cheated? _She wondered. Was it because she could see through to his room? He was sitting on the bed, writing along with his guitar playing. She had seen Tommy go over there earlier and seeing that no sirens preceded his visit, she assumed they were working it out. After he had left, Spike had gone hard to work, perfecting the delicate balance between love and hate that was in his songs. Buffy watched him, hoping to see a glimpse of the naked Spike that she hadn't seen in so long. She knew every inch of his body… including all the scars that told of his past. She found herself crying, remembering what she had promised so long ago... After two months of dating, Spike finally got the nerve up to tell Buffy about his past. To tell her off all the people he had watched die, the several ones that died in his hand, and the few that died by his hand. He made her promise to always love him and to never hurt him. She said she would. But hadn't that been what she had done? Hadn't she hurt him? Seeing her throw that ring at him… she could see how hurt he was. And Faith said he stood for hours, until late into the night, hoping that she would show up. She had seen the look on his face when Tommy walked into the kitchen in just his underwear. Hadn't she broken the promise to the only person that she had ever truly loved? Her phone rang and she picked it up… seeing that the light in Spike's room was off. She said hold on, turned off her light and lit some candles. She let the aroma of the candles calm her down. She wanted no one to question her about the crying. She picked the phone back up. "Hello?"

"Why are you crying?"

To Buffy, for a moment at least, Spike's voice was normal… it felt right that he was calling her. "I never felt so alone." She said. She put her hand to her mouth and stared out at the black window that was his room. Her room was light with candles now, and she saw that he was lighting his. They had always found candles soothing, they use to love to lie in bed surround be candles, and talk.

"Why?" Spike asked her. Buffy said nothing. "Tell me."

"Nothing, I just feel…"

"Alone?" Spike said.

"Yes." Buffy said. They were quiet… they had much to say and so little courage to say it.

She invited me over for drinks and company. Was it a chance to get her to believe that he loved her? When he was with her there was always a chance. His mind flashed question of why she wanted him over, why she felt so alone although she was seeing Tommy. Till he realized that Tommy must still be with Faith. But somewhere deep inside, he knew. He knew that it wasn't Tommy that made her feel alone. And somewhere deep inside he could finally see that he didn't need to say or do anything to get her back. Fate would work it out. Or at least he hoped as he walked into her house.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: I am so sorry that there is no author note on the last chapter. In a hurry to write and update I forgot to explain all that is happening right now and why to my disappointment, my stories are unavailable.

So I apparently got a virus from something and my computer upstairs is down. I have to work on my dad's while he tries to fix mine. Here is the problem… everything in my system might have to be erased and I may lose all of the chapters that I haven't saved on a disk. So it may take a while before A New Beginning, Fools Fall in Love, Reckless Surrender are updated. On the bright side that means that between the homework and the chores… all my free time can go towards this story. So drop me a review and tell me how much you miss my other stories. LOL.

Chapter 5-

Buffy woke up slightly hung over and hoping that somewhere in her house there was a bottle of pills. "Uhh…" The barely audible sound escaped her mouth, but it was enough to wake the sleeping blonde on the couch.

"Hhh…" His sound was far less audible and way more pained as it escaped his lips. His lips were smeared with red lipstick. Her red lipstick.

Buffy looked at him, decided that she didn't want to tackle the subject of what happened last night, and left the room in search of a bottle of pills to kill her headache.

Spike smiled and watched as Buffy left the room. Probably in search of pills to kill the headache that he was feeling too. He sat up slightly, watched the room around him spin, and instantly felt sick. He hadn't been this drunk in a long time and he was a rock star. The doorbell to Buffy's house rang and he distinctly grabbed his head, thinking in his hung-over state that it would make some type of difference. The knocks that followed could have been jack hammers to his head and he wanted desperately to get up and answer the door. But the room was still spinning and his hopes of getting up were slim to none. He watched as a blurry image of Buffy stumbled over to the door and opened it. "Buffy?" Tommy's voice said. Spike heard the worry in his voice. It instantly connected with him that maybe he should leave… but the room was still spinning and he was still sick.

Buffy wound up finding and taking two Advil on her way to the door. She dared to think about what horrid thing waited on the other side, for it made a noise of breaking the door down. She stumbled clumsily over and opened the door. "Buffy?" Tommy's voice rang through her ears.

"Hey." She said with a slight smile.

Tommy walked into the house and picked Buffy up. "What happened here?" He asked, helping her into the living room. He stopped when he saw an even worse Spike sitting on the couch. "Spike?"

"Sup man?" Spike said.

"What are you doing here?" Tommy looked around the room. Bottles of liquor, beer, and wine were littering the floor. There was once a video playing, but it had long since been off. He could smell what he thought was candles coming from the upstairs bedroom and the way he figured the two of them where lucky the house hadn't burned down.

"He came over to chill. I don't remember anything else." Buffy said as she fell down in a chair.

Willow, Tara, Faith, Anya, Angel, Xander, and Cordy all walked into the wrecked house, all looking with judgmental eyes on the two hung over adults. "Buffy what is going on with you?" Willow asked, concern for her friend reaching past the disappointment. Willow had watched Buffy's self-destructive behavior since she had returned from the messy meeting with Spike. Willow had sat by while the blonde drank anything that she could, did some of the more major drugs, and screwed a lot of guys. And with Haden, Willow had hoped that Buffy had finally found a way to move on, some tiny way to escape the hazardous life that she had been living. But with Spike's return, Buffy had fallen back into her bad habits.

"Nothing's going on with me Willow." Buffy said in her defense.

"Right and that is why you have been with three men unless then two weeks." Cordelia said, always saying what was on her mind.

"Wait a minute love." Spike said. "Before you jump to conclusions. We don't remember what happened."

"Let's start with what you do remember." A slightly pissed off Tommy said.

"I was sitting in my room listening to the new CD. I saw Spike in his room, but he turned off the light. I was real upset about something, I can't remember what, and he called asking why I was crying. I said that I was upset and asked him if he would come over, figuring that you were either asleep of off with Faith."

"Do you remember anything else?" Angel asked, looking at Spike.

"No. He story match mine. I don't think we slept together. Buffy's a little bit mad…" Buffy shot him a look. "All right love a lot mad, at me for the groupie thing."

"She had a right to be." Willow said with a glare towards Spike. "We will take your word for it that nothing happened. But maybe you should stay away from each other for a while."

A now enraged Buffy turned to face Willow. "How dare you tell me who I should stay away from?" Buffy said. Willow was scared. Buffy was the calm, quiet, collected girl who kept things inside. She wasn't the one to explode. Buffy ran up the stairs and slammed her door, leaving everyone below with wide eyes and whispering voices.

A/N: A little reminder that my computer is messed up. BUT I GOT IT FIXED. At least I think it is. So I may start to work on the other stories since this will be a long weekend and an away game. So drop me a review and smile big happy smiles, those of you who are fans of ANB (A New Beginning) FFL (Fools Fall in Love) and RS (Reckless Surrender)! I am still asking for a co-writer on Reckless maybe. E'nuff said.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6-

_'Have you ever had the feeling that everything you wanted in life was right in your grasp? Now, I ask you something else. Have you ever had it all slip away from you in one swift movement? But in your mind, it isn't one swift movement, it's in slow motion. It is said that people who have been in car crashes, especially if they killed someone or saw someone they loved get killed, that the crash replays in their mind frame by frame. It's like their mind is rewinding and watching each frame, just looking where the part is that it can say "you should have done this. It's would be all different if you had done this." It's like a guilt trip that you play with yourself and at the end of all it you can only come to one conclusion… It is your entire fault. _

_I believe that this kind of way of thinking, or your mind's way of guilt, is use for more then just what others see a tragedy. I believe that when everything you ever wanted goes out the window, your mind watches the slow motion movie again, and points out what you did wrong. And that's where guilt comes from. When someone tells you not to blame yourself, you try. But how can you when your mind wants you to believe that you are guilty. That is plays you the horrid pictures of everything that you did wrong, making you face the fact that you and you alone fucked up._

_How else do you explain why I don't hate Spike? Why I don't want to rip his head off with my bare hands. Or better yet, how do you explain what I have been doing to myself. Willow had every right to be worried about me. The men, the drugs, the booze, it has all been about escape. It helps me not to think about Spike. But numbing that pain, I have come to find with his return, makes me nothing more than tired and upset. I was always one to keep it inside, now I just can't do it anymore._

_My friends were always there for me. Willow was always the sane one, she thought rationally in the way that I couldn't do sometimes. Tara, Willow's girlfriend, was mostly quite and the other time she was insightful and helpful. Cordelia, although at first she wasn't my most favorite person, I came to love the brunette. She told what was on her mind and to her it didn't matter if that happened to hurt your feelings. She used to date Xander, which made so much sense seeing as he was now dating Anya. Anya was blunt and to the point, much like Cordelia. But Cordelia knew where to draw that line and Anya didn't. Angel, Cordelia's boyfriend and my ex, was the exact opposite of Spike. He was a normal guy, born to normal family, and about as dull of a boyfriend that you could imagine. But I am okay with that. I loved Angel; he was my first lay and my first love. And that would never change. Then there was Xander. He was Willow's best friend long before I came around, and Willow was the reason that Cordy and Xander broke up. Xander had always been what you would consider dorky, and to some he was what you would consider a failure. Had it not been for Spike coming here, starting that band, because it gave him some kind of purpose. Faith was just something that couldn't be described. And then Tommy, a rocker that was like a little kid trapped inside an adult body. All of my friends made this strange network of people. Some called us freaks, others called us losers. But we were so tight and close that it didn't matter. Even though we had exes and new lovers… we still functioned. But I couldn't do this thing anymore. Sure we were like one big family, but that family just wasn't strong enough to hold my pain. It is like a circle around me but the circle was about to be broken with the pain that I have been harboring. I have to leave… I can't take this anymore. I can't take the guilt anymore.'_

It was the letter that brought tears to the girls eyes, and maybe a little to Tommy's eyes. But to Spike… but to Angel… but to Xander, they all knew. They had all been hurt before, felt what it was like to be alone. But this was something more painful then he had ever thought. She just wasn't alone, she was afraid. Afraid that everything was all her fault, and that she was the guilty party in this whole thing. Spike, although he didn't want her to blame him, was to blame. How she could ever blame herself was something he couldn't understand.

"You have to go find her." Willow said, with tears in her eyes.

Spike knew that she was speaking to him. He didn't want to answer. "I know where she is." They looked at him, waiting for him to explain. "She wrote me another note. Told me where she was."

"Why would she tell you?" Cordy said. "You screwed her over.

"Buffy and I had something that transcends what happened between us. She knew that if she didn't tell me where she was… I would just come and find her. She gave me another letter, someway to get in contact with her and the city and the address I can visit her when I pass by on tour." Everyone in the room had gotten quiet by what he was saying to them. The thought through everyone's mind was 'why not them'. Spike felt bad, he really did. But he loved Buffy and somewhere deep inside she loved him too. He knew that he wouldn't call her or visit her, but the fact that she gave him that option was enough. But they all missed her… and no one could do anything about it.

A/N: Hey guys. It's a short chapter and it's been a long time since I have updated. I'm gonna work my ass off to get all caught up with this stuff. So here's this chapter and I'm about to go work on the others.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Hey guys. I am sorry that it has taken me so long to update this. Also I know that none of my other stories have been updated in quite a while. I'm so busy right now… between school, myspace, my love interest and my family, that I really haven't had the time. But I promise that soon I will buckle down and have a new chapter for each story.

Chapter 7-

_Smile. Just think of something that makes you happy and smile. Come on now… it isn't that hard to do. Just smile, knock on the door, and wait to hear about how whory you turned out. Oh great now that you are thinking about how you are going to get yelled at and made into something that you aren't how are you going to smile. You shouldn't go up and knock while you are frowning. Who knows maybe she will not say anything about what has happened. Maybe Dawn didn't tell her. No of course Dawn did because she wants to be the favorite. All right now Buffy smile and face her. She is our own mother after all. _

Buffy had done a lot of things that her mother had disapproved of. But Buffy did one thing that her mother has yet to forgive her for. Several months into the relationship with Spike, enough time to make her fall madly in love with him, Buffy's mother told Buffy and her sister Dawn, that they were moving. Buffy… who had already turned eighteen, decided that she would stay in the house at Sunnydale and let them leave. Buffy's mother had told Buffy that she was a fool and a slut for thinking that he would stay with her. Buffy's mom never had liked Spike, she always liked Riley. So Buffy stood right outside her mother's house, a fear creeping through her soul. Buffy didn't want to hear about how her mother had 'told her so'. Buffy knew that Spike still loved her, that he had meant nothing by it. Buffy put on a fake smile, walked up to the door, and knocked.

When her mother opened the door, Dawn, who was sitting on the couch, heard her screams. Dawn came running in there and ran over to hug her sister. Buffy smiled. "Hey Dawnie. Did you miss me?"

"Only everyday, but your letters helped."

Buffy shot eyes at her mother, who had just been staring at her. "Hey mom."

"Hello Buffy. I expect that Spike is parking the car."

Buffy looked at Dawn. "I didn't tell her." Dawn said.

Buffy smiled. "No mother. Spike and I aren't seeing each other anymore."

"Well… isn't that interesting. Let me guess, you let him move in with you and now you have no where to live." Her mother's tone was harsh.

"Don't mom, please." Dawn's voice was pleading and Buffy could tell that she had been listening to her mother talk about Buffy for a long time.

"No he didn't move in. I left because I wanted to see Dawnie. I can't stay for long, I have to meet someone."

"Well then I will let you have some time with Dawn." Buffy's mother said in a cold way, telling Buffy that she was still upset about Spike. "I will be upstairs if you need me." Joyce said to Dawn and then left the room.

Buffy and Dawn walked in silence to the living room. There was nothing that they could really say yet… they had to be sure that they were out of hearing range of their mother. Once the two girls were, Dawn was that first to speak. "She's been like that since we left. She refuses to say anything nice about you, she refuses to read your letter, and she refuses to be in the same room with me and dad when we talk about you."

"I know it's hard that we are fighting like this. But mom just doesn't understand that I love Spike."

"Still after all that he did?" Dawn asked.

Buffy smiled. "I know that somewhere deep inside, Spike means what he says, that is that he never meant for it to happen and that it meant nothing to him. I will love Spike forever and nothing can change that. But I have grown so use to him being there, that him being the support that I needed, that I realized how fragile I really was. I have to make something of my life too… so that Spike's life will not be so hard on me. If had something in life that was mine, a job or something, then I would have never found him with her. And I would have never known."

"Would that be better?" Dawn asked. "If you had come a different day, if had something in your life that you could call your own. Would it be better if you never knew?"

"We would be married if I didn't." Buffy said. "And to me, that's all that really mattered."

"I liked him. He was always nice to me." Dawn said. Buffy just smiled at her little sister, who suddenly got bored and went on to talk about herself.

(Internet conversation)

_**HotRockerWithAttitude:** In moments like these, people change forever. Lives are swiftly moved to one direction or another. And then, the bond of people is broken. They separate, their lives taking swift paths away from one another, and then after that nothing is the same. You find yourself in this new place, with these new people, trying to hold onto something that is so far away you can't even see it. When this happens, and you are left all alone with scars and lies exposed, it would seem so easy to fall into the traps that are all around you. That's what life wants, for you to fail. And traps that life sets are traps that you can never escape from. You find yourself staring into the eyes of someone that you loved and that you hurt, and then you know. Then you know that life has screwed you over and all you can do is play along. I guess that's why I wrote this song, why I decided that I would share with you what's been going on in my life. _

_**DarkSoulFire:** If you think that life is bad without her, why don't you go tell her that you can't stand by and watch her slip away?_

_**HotRockerWithAttitude**: No I can't. She doesn't seem to understand, or if she does then it makes no difference. We had more then just love._

_**DarkSoulFire:** Is there more then love?_

_**HotRockerWithAttitude:** It cannot be described._

_**DarkSoulFire:** Sometimes I think you are too deep for me._

_**HotRockerWithAttitude:** Sometimes I am._

_**DarkSoulFire:** This is cryptic and strange, and I understand it all. I feel like a fly in your mind, watching all that you do._

_**HotRockerWithAttitude:** Interesting isn't it._

_**DarkSoulFire:** No doubt. Are we meeting again tonight?_

_**HotRockerWithAttitude**: I shouldn't._

_**DarkSoulFire:** But you will. I know you love her… but I know that you are a man._

_**HotRockerWithAttitude:** And if she were to find out. Or even Tommy. Faith this isn't a game._

_**DarkSoulFire:** And I don't treat it like one. A nice go in bed is all that we have Spike. Just to make us…_

_**HotRockerWithAttitude:** Feel something. Even if it isn't what we want._

_**DarkSoulFire:** Speak for your self. I want you… and you better be here tonight._

_**HotRockerWithAttitude:** I will be._

Spike signed off the internet and slumped back into his seat. He had been seeing Faith since Buffy had left, being her sex partner so that the two of them could feel something. Since Tommy had left her, thinking that he in someway would still have Buffy; Faith had been more then willing to come onto Spike. Moment of weakness number two, Spike said yes. Interestingly, he felt bad for what he was doing but yet he couldn't stop. And to be honest, he didn't want to. The phone that sat beside his computer rang, the noise breaking the silence, the walls then sucking in the secret world that Spike had exposed, if only for a brief second. Spike picked the phone up and said in his best English voice. "Hello?"

"Hi."

Spike smiled. She was depressed and he always liked that. "Yes love. What can I do for ya?"

"Don't be a smart ass with me Spike. I know you better then that." Buffy said her voice music to Spike's ears.

"Right then love. I'm all ears since I know somethin' is wrong."

"Nothing it is just my mother being her stupid self. Trying so damn hard to make me break down and tell her what happened with us. I will not do it… I will not have her say…" Buffy stopped quick, remember that at times Spike was vulnerable.

"What? Don't want you mum to say 'told ya so'.

"Yeah." Buffy said. Spike smiled. He wouldn't see Faith that night, he would spend it all talking to Buffy. Sure Faith would be mad, but he didn't care.

A/N: While doing my myspace stuff… I wrote this chapter. Hope you enjoy. FunkyDevil I am working on the chapter 3.


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